January 7, 2025

How trauma shows up in our relationships—long before we notice it

Your body remembers what your mind forgets. You’re in a conversation that feels totally normal—until suddenly, it doesn’t. Your chest tightens. Your jaw locks. Your thoughts race or disappear entirely. You’re saying “I’m fine,” but every cell in your body is screaming, I’m not safe. Sound familiar? This is the nervous system speaking. And it often speaks in the language of silence, overreaction, withdrawal, over-functioning, or numbing. It speaks before words. It speaks even when we don’t want it to. It speaks because it learned how to protect us long ago.

When Protection Becomes a Pattern

Most of us weren’t taught to listen to our nervous systems.
We were taught to be “nice,” “good,” “easygoing,” “tough.”
So when our body starts whispering, “Something’s off,” we override it. Until it starts screaming.

What we call “overreacting,” “clingy,” or “cold” is often just this:

A brilliant, loyal system trying to keep us safe in the only way it knows how.

These reactions aren’t failures. They’re maps—back to something that needs care.

Fight: The Protector

You may find yourself raising your voice, clenching your fists, needing to be right, or accusing before being accused.
This is your body saying:

“I’ve been hurt before. I won’t be powerless again.”

Flight: The Escape Artist

Maybe you leave the room. Or stop answering texts. Or stay constantly busy so no one gets too close.
This is your nervous system whispering:

“The safest love is the kind that can’t reach me.”

Freeze: The Shutdown

When conflict or intimacy arises, you go blank. You forget what you wanted to say. Your body goes still.
This is your mind going offline so the past can’t hurt you again.

Fawn: The People Pleaser

You say yes when you mean no. You apologize for having needs. You mirror others so you’ll be accepted.
But inside, you’re screaming for permission to just be.

The Sacred Work of Listening

Your nervous system is not the enemy.
It’s the oldest part of you. The part that said “I want to live” even when life was hard.
It is not here to shame you—it’s here to guide you.

Healing begins when we stop judging the reaction…
…and start listening to the story underneath it.

When we learn to say:

“I’m not bad. I’m just scared. And I deserve safety now.”

Journal Prompts

Use these as sacred starting points:

What does emotional safety feel like in my body?
What’s my most common response: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn? Why do I think that is?
What would my nervous system need in moments of overwhelm—touch, space, words, silence?
Where did I first learn that certain emotions weren’t safe?
Can I imagine a relationship where my nervous system could finally rest?

Call to Healing

Start paying attention—not just to what your mind says, but what your body does. Notice when you feel small. Notice when you shrink, shut down, or overextend. And remind yourself: “I get to choose differently now.” Your nervous system isn’t broken. It’s just waiting for you to come home.

“Your triggers are messengers. They are not here to shame you—only to show you what still needs care.”

Vienna Pharaon

licensed therapist & author of The Origins of You

Comments ( 1 )

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January 9, 2025 at 6:48 am

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The Nervous System Doesn’t Lie